“JustSingled…the place to uncover our true selves”

Do You Know How To Communicate Your Desires?

When I opened my email this morning, I received a little inspirational message. Do you get any of those magically delivered to your inbox every morning? They can be pretty cool. This morning my message from The Universe had this to say to me….

“A main ‘Criteria of Consciousness’ for the human experience, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life’s constants. And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want (which, as you can see, is constant), is the first ‘Criteria of Joy.’ Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you.

Desire, is a beautiful thing”.

Wow. I love it when “The Universe” knows exactly what I am spending my time talking to people about! And right now – I have been spending a lot of time talking to men and women around the country about desire – and the difference between knowing and owning your desire and actually acting on it. This is skill that is incredibly important to the newly single community.

Learning how to speak your desires is an incredible life skill to master. And learning to speak your desires – does not mean getting them fulfilled. In fact we may have many desires that we don’t really want to have granted – and learning to speak our desires and not having them fulfilled is all a part of this practice.

The basics of this practice is to get in touch with your desires and state them. Such as “I really want to feel this man throw me on the bed and make love to me the next time he walks past me folding the laundry”. Now, how do we communicate that to ourselves – and our lovers as a statement of desire? It could go like this “Honey – I really want to feel desired by you. Sometimes I think about what it could be like to feel you want me so badly that you would interrupt anything I am doing so that you can make love to me.” Now…that is NOT a request – it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like “Darling – when you see me doing a household task will you please grab me – throw me over your shoulder?” Or “Honey – I would like you to throw me onto the bed and make love to me.” That is a request.

The difference is that in stating ones desire the “other” does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy, connection and offering your partner good information. But it is YOUR desire. You own it and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it. There is no rejection in it for you – as you are not left hanging waiting for action.

With a request, you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other.
To me – this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire be a coy way of hiding or stating a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions

I think that mastering this skill of speaking desires – and separating that from speaking requests especially around sexuality is really important. When we are able to speak our desire around our sexuality – it is the beginning of removing shame.

Now…what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire….then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? One might say that this does not matter. That the expression of the desire is not about the listener! It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

The expression of desire is so powerful and important to us as individuals – and I encourage you to practice it. Consider having a conversation with the person that you are dating, or interested in about the importance of learning how to express desires – and the difference between desires and requests. Remenber, when you express desire there is no expectation of action on the part of the listener.  And in that boundary – there is incredible freedom in both the expression of the desire and the listening to it.

I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. So don’t be surprised if this practice can do the same for you. There aren’t many rules, but if you feel anxious about this practice….you are not alone. It’s just so worth it. Once you start the ball rolling – letting your desire flow will create more possibility in your life and greater intimacy. 

Thank you for the contribution to JustSingled, Pamela Madsen!!!

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